There is a lot of creative energy in me. Always has been. But these days the mere wish of creating something causes my muscles to tense up and my heart rate to accelerate. I silently start panicking only thinking about it. The reason? I genuinely have no idea. Too many papercuts, I assume, but not quite dead yet.
Not putting those energies to use – be it in writing, drawing or working on my costume – is poison for my mental health. But the panic attacks have successfully prevented me from even picking up a pencil most of the time in the last couple of months – no, make that years.
Then I randomly came across this quote from Carrie Fisher yesterday:
“Stay afraid, but do it anyway.
What’s important is the action.
You don’t have to wait to be confident.
Just do it and eventually the confidence will follow.”
Stay afraid. The moment I read this the knot in my chest suddenly evaporated. Sounds silly, but that’s what happened. I realized I don’t actually have to make the panic go away in order to create. I just have to tolerate it as a part of my current situation. Words can indeed be magic.
Oh dear, so many things to do. All hail the coping mechanisms.